The advice I wish I had received 15 years ago

"It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her that which only Jesus Christ Himself can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unending patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain”   Ruth Bell Graham


I have attended more than my usual share of weddings in the last few weeks as well as preparing to mark my husband and I's 15 year anniversary. Marriage has been on my mind. What it is and what it isn't.

Leading a church with a large population of 20 somethings: relationships, engagement and marriage is a hot topic and so often in my mind, misguided. 

I'm not about to write about how I have all the answers. Far from it. I can say however what I wish I was told before I was married. The one piece of advice that maybe none of us anticipating the exciting road of marriage and planning a wedding would have even listened to.

I was told marriage would be fun. MAN is it. I was told marriage would be hard. MAN is it. (harder to be in one with me than for me to be in one with my husband but I digress.) 
I was told marriage would be scary and refining and amazing. It is all of those things. 

The one piece of advice I wish I had been given would not have changed my mind on the decision I was making, but may have allowed me to enter the relationship with a whole different set of standards. What is this advice? The advice I will scream from the mountaintops to every couple about to embark on this journey and that I myself am still learning everyday.

That Christ will and can be all to you that your spouse can't and won't. I think we all know this in some degree but how we live it out is backwards. 

Often we look to our spouse to meet our needs. We expect our partner to make us feel loved, to give us an identity, to give us joy and comfort and patience. What we fail to receive from our spouse we look to our children or job and eventually to Christ for. 
Marriage will never be what it was intended if we continue to follow this upside down and backward formula. 

No one shows off their engagement ring to friends followed by "I know He will fail me at times but I'm not looking to him to complete me", or "I asked her to marry me because I couldn't think of anyone better suited for me to humbly serve expecting nothing for myself for the rest of my life". We don't say these things partly because they aren't exciting to say out loud and partly because we don't believe it. 

**A brief side note to the unmarried. Young couples, when you dream about your future marriage what is in those mental pictures? Do they consist of serving or being served? Do they consist of this individual making your voyage through life better or an opportunity for you to look beyond yourself? 

Choose the mate that points you to HIM. (but this is another post all together)**

I want to challenge us to mix up the formula we have been following. I want us to stop looking to our spouse first but look to the only one who won't fail us. Once we do we will have everything we need in HIM. Having our completeness found in the safest place. Freeing us up to fail one another because CHRIST won. Freeing us up to hurt each other because Christ has a perfect love. Freeing us up to LOVE each other without fear because the Love we depend on is without fault. Its a much shorter and more fulfilling formula.  He is the FIRST step in our equation of finding what we need . Paul Tripp describes it well when he says “If I am seeking to get identity from you,I will watch you too closely, listen to you too intently, and need you to fundamentally."
 Lets watch Jesus closer, Listen to Jesus more intently and need HIM fundamentally. It's then and only then we are free to love and serve and journey through life without expectation.

That my friends is the beauty in marriage that Christ designed.